It took me 38 years to feel comfortable enough to tell a friend I was sexually assaulted as a kid. To my relief, my initial disclosure was met with love and acceptance. It made me feel like that this conversation can happen, and it can be healing. From there, I told more people, and again, the responses were loving. The flip-side of needing to tell your story in order to heal is that a loving response may not always be the case.
I grew up in a small farming community. To say there was a "work-hard, play hard" culture would be an understatement. The community had a lot of social problems like alcoholism, intimate partner violence and child welfare issues, as well as overt racism. I was hard on myself for not having disclosed anything about the assault at the time. It was only upon looking back, processing the events with a counselor and, eventually, with my family, that realized silence was actually my best bet. The flip-side to this is, I was not able to process any of the trauma, initially.There is fertile ground for post-traumatic stress in silence and internalization.
I can be triggered by many things. Other people’s aggression and anger, racist remarks, violent movies, even certain smells or textures of fabric. Ensuring my home is a safe and comforting place is really important to me. What has also helped is the understanding that coping with anxiety and healing from trauma is a process. In the wisdom the 12-steppers it's called "You don't go back as often, or stay as long."
It is hard. Facing my own reactions and learning to be gentle with myself has been incredibly hard. It is only with vigilant self-care and a trauma-informed, supportive community that I have been able to move forward.
My wisdom as a child, to not tell anyone I had been assaulted, protected me at the time.